Sucky 0: Hope 1

We thought it was terminal. Me, my partner, and especially my mum. We thought yesterday’s hospital appointment was to say that the cancer was terminal. We didn’t say anything out loud but that’s what we were all thinking. I didn’t realise really until yesterday how tightly I was wound. My head ached and my stomach was queasy. When I walked into the hospital I was astonished at how angry I was. I also felt I couldn’t bear to be near my mum. I was, for the most part, monosyllabic. But it’s not. It’s not terminal cancer. In fact three chemo sessions in, the lump on her chest has virtually disappeared and the skin is a much healthier colour.

It’s not terminal.

She has cancer in the sternum and shoulder and under her arm, it’s in the bone and she’s on liquid morphine to help with the pain (she had no pain with breast cancer), but there’s hope – in three short weeks there are already changes for the good. She will have herceptin for the rest of her life, and a infusion every three weeks of bone strengthening treatment also for the rest of her life. (Although she is now on a trial for a new type of bone strengthener which you can self-inject, but she still has to go into hospital for the herceptin so as she says, she’s not really bothered.)

She has 15 weeks left of chemo – once a week, and so far, touch wood, she’s tolerating the treatment despite the very high doses.

We went grocery shopping afterwards and it was all very normal. Not having a car and with the pain in her chest, it’s become difficult for her to lift heavy stuff, so the trolley soon got filled as she did a big shop knowing I would carry her bags up the stairs! She bought my partner and I two bottles of wine and box of chocolates to congratulate us on our engagement (she already sent us a card) so it’s safe to say she’s pleased.

My partner and I went for dinner with her parent’s, brother and cousin that night and it was a really nice evening. They were also really delighted for us and there was much wedding talk!

And all the time I was thinking, it’s not terminal...