Back to blogging...

Well, I'm back...

It has been over a year since I last posted. And in that time it's fair to say a lot has happened. The most devastating is that I lost my beloved mum to cancer on June 1st, 2010. I'm not sure I'll talk much about that on here. We are still struggling to come to terms with her loss. We miss her everyday and I suspect people think we've doing OK, which on some levels, we are. But the agony of her loss - so unexpected, so unfair has ripped a huge hole in our lives which my wife and I are inexpertly trying to pull back together. She was a truly remarkable woman, that personified dignity, grace and bravery. And to be honest, there's nothing I wouldn't give to hold her hand again.

We are still in Cornwall. So settled it's hard to remember living anywhere else really. We are getting a new bathroom and woodburner soon and re-decorating. We are very lucky to get lots of visitors! And friends have been quick to show their love and support since losing mum, which has meant the world to us. We celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary with 26 friends in a local pub and over the course of just under two weeks, had 18 people visiting and staying - it was mad but fun!

The dogs are happy and healthy. Currently curled up at my side and on my feet.

My wife works locally now. She was working in London for 11 months after we moved down. She now works for a south west organisation that does cover the entire south west (flipping large region that!). But it is better than commuting into London.

I have just given up my job! Not many people I guess would do that without another job to go to, but it was the right decision for me. I plan to write, rest, work around the house, and when the time is right, get another job.

I'm just under half way through a children's book, one of the reasons giving up work. I just didn't have the energy to work and write. I plan to finish that by the end of October... no pressure then ;)

So, that's if for now. Until the next time....

Sucky 0: Hope 1

We thought it was terminal. Me, my partner, and especially my mum. We thought yesterday’s hospital appointment was to say that the cancer was terminal. We didn’t say anything out loud but that’s what we were all thinking. I didn’t realise really until yesterday how tightly I was wound. My head ached and my stomach was queasy. When I walked into the hospital I was astonished at how angry I was. I also felt I couldn’t bear to be near my mum. I was, for the most part, monosyllabic. But it’s not. It’s not terminal cancer. In fact three chemo sessions in, the lump on her chest has virtually disappeared and the skin is a much healthier colour.

It’s not terminal.

She has cancer in the sternum and shoulder and under her arm, it’s in the bone and she’s on liquid morphine to help with the pain (she had no pain with breast cancer), but there’s hope – in three short weeks there are already changes for the good. She will have herceptin for the rest of her life, and a infusion every three weeks of bone strengthening treatment also for the rest of her life. (Although she is now on a trial for a new type of bone strengthener which you can self-inject, but she still has to go into hospital for the herceptin so as she says, she’s not really bothered.)

She has 15 weeks left of chemo – once a week, and so far, touch wood, she’s tolerating the treatment despite the very high doses.

We went grocery shopping afterwards and it was all very normal. Not having a car and with the pain in her chest, it’s become difficult for her to lift heavy stuff, so the trolley soon got filled as she did a big shop knowing I would carry her bags up the stairs! She bought my partner and I two bottles of wine and box of chocolates to congratulate us on our engagement (she already sent us a card) so it’s safe to say she’s pleased.

My partner and I went for dinner with her parent’s, brother and cousin that night and it was a really nice evening. They were also really delighted for us and there was much wedding talk!

And all the time I was thinking, it’s not terminal...

Waiting for chemo (as opposed to Godot)

I’m panicking about getting everything done before I go on leave, so what do I decide to do? Blog. Because that makes sense…

Anyway, it will all get done because that’s what I do. I get things done but it’s going to be a hard couple of days and I may need to buy some emergency chocolate to have on stand-by.

Yesterday was pretty harsh. Guy’s have a new chemo unit on the 10th floor. Fantastic views over the city, but somehow it felt a little more impersonal because it was bigger and much busier. But I’m sure it’s much more efficient getting lot’s of people in for their treatment at the same time, because the thing with chemo is that once you have the drip in, you just sit there. A couple of people are very ill and so need more attention but really, most people just sat back and read or snoozed – a very undemanding bunch.

We spent time talking to a woman who has terminal cancer and it tore my heart out. She was supposed to die last September but sheer bloody mindedness means she’s still fighting. She’s going to do a college course because she’s bored waiting to die. Afterwards I felt claustrophobic and angry and so I went for a long walk and pulled myself together.

They gave my mum massive doses of herceptin and chemo. Normally herceptin takes about half an hour, yesterday it took an hour and a half, and I think chemo is about an hour but it took two hours. We were going out of our minds by the end of it. Sometimes I watched the bags drip whatever it was (different things for different cancers) through the long tubes and into the back of people’s hands and each time I said, that’s it, that’s the drop that will make the difference; that will turn the tide. That’s the one right there. I hope I was right.

I had a pizza and a cry when I got home and then we sorted out laundry and packed our bags for Scotland. I didn’t sleep very well last night and at 4:16 this morning I was wide awake listening to the racket the birds were making…

Cancer, not as much fun as you might think...

I spoke to my mum last night after her latest hospital appointment (this one I didn’t go to), it’s definite, it’s cancer. Cancer of the sternum; it’s also possibly spread back under her arm. Chemo next Wednesday and then 9 more sessions. We’re hoping that because this is the 2nd time and they know how ill chemo made her last time (which is why she only had 3 instead of 6 sessions) they will be able to look after her a little better. She will probably be on Herceptin for the rest of her life, and after chemo, more radiotherapy…

She wasn't crying, or even particularly upset when we spoke, rather she seems resigned to the fact that she has to go through it all over again, and to be honest, so do I. I mean, it’s not like we have a choice.

Slept very deeply last night with weird disturbing dreams. Not surprising really, but I was almost glad to get up this morning… and that’s not like me!

I have the rugby dinner tonight and if I wasn’t really looking to it before, now I really don't want to go. It’s not like I’ll be missed. I’ll have another coffee and then see how I feel. I don’t have to make a decision right this moment and to be honest, I need to get on with some work!

Update...

Last week we had two appointments at the hospital; one on Thursday and one on Friday. Mum had a CAT scan on Friday and should be having a bone scan in the next couple of days. Meeting with her consultant on the Thursday was really helpful, she is a very knowledgeable and calm woman and we both came away feeling that we were in very safe hands. In fact, with the exception of mum’s first cancer nurse who moved on due to promotion, most of the team have been with her from day one and most have done an excellent job. Now we just wait and see...

The disease that keeps on giving

I was in TK Max yesterday which was notable for two reasons; one I had just bought some amazing underwear (I didn’t know at the time it would be that amazing, I only knew that this morning, when I tried it on) and two, it was were I heard the second worst piece of news I’ve ever heard. My mum called, the cancer is back.

She has found a lump in her neck and the professor who looks after her at Guy’s is pretty convinced that it’s cancer. I got back to the office, told my boss I had to leave and spent the afternoon with her. They will be rushing her back into chemo maybe this week, probably next. And this time, no matter how sick it makes her, I suspect they won’t be able to stop or postpone the treatment.

I’m devastated. I feel that everything I was holding on to has shattered. The fact that she was getting stronger, less sick, less often has just been snatched away. And so despite being weary and frightened, the fight has to start all over again. If you have any strength you can spare, send some our way, it will be appreciated…