Mushrooms in my conifers

I needed sleep and lots of it last night. Our freezer needed defrosting and I planned to do it on the weekend but came home last night to find great swags of ice preventing the door from closing properly and therefore exacerbating the problem! I tried to ignore it until my partner came home, but sadly, that didn’t make it go away (who knew?!)
In the end, with the ingenious use of containers of hot water and a travel hairdryer we defrosted the bloody thing in record time. I had to give in and head to bed at 9 and promptly fell asleep, waking only twice. Once when the dog wandered in and licked my nose and then when my partner came to bed. I was utterly, utterly exhausted. I do feel better today though, and tomorrow I can have a lie-in because I’m working from home. I also managed to wait until lunch time to eat my packed lunch! (Normally I make such nice sandwiches, that I’ve eaten them by 10.30. Today however, I waited until 12.01 and felt very pleased with myself.) Despite one of those mornings – busy, slightly chaotic and frustrating – I’m cracking on and progressing well with work also.

Pluto’s recall needs work. He seems to be going through a phase where he isn’t responding to my calls, and yesterday it almost got him in trouble with an aggressive dog. Is this the terrible twos?! I’ve started taking cheese on our walk and that is helping but we both need some more training because once he spots a dog, for example, he runs off to say hello and I might as well be invisible. He’s so good in other ways but he needs to know I control the walk and that if I don’t want him running off or going somewhere, that there is a very good reason for it. At the moment though, the park is his comfort zone. Nothing bad has ever happened to him there so he feels that he can pretty much do what he likes...

We have to buy a new sofa and the garden has turned into Wild Kingdom so this weekend is likely to be a domestic one. Our marrow plant is ginormous, with two huge marrows growing from it. The grass is now so long that our mower won’t cut it and it’s full of frogs anyway. The sunflowers have shot up. There are mushrooms in my lemon conifers and the vegetable patch needs weeding.
My mum has had a bad couple of days and so I'm worried about her (am I ever not?). Not so bad that she's back to square one or has to be hospitalised again, but in pain and sick.
A work colleague - whom I don't rate very highly anyway, she's not very good at her job and has numerous character flaws - keeps coming in and asking after my mum. And I'm not even sure how the hell she found out, very few people know. It makes me uncomfortable when she asks me how my mum is. She stands too close and uses a cloying tone that drives me round the bend. I want to yell what the bloody hell has it got to do with you?! Her parents had cancer and I think she thinks this makes her an expert. Today she told me about a cousin that's just died. Answer me this, do you think when someone is dealing with a critical illness, they need or want to hear about someone who has just died with said illness? So because I can't say this to her, I shall utilise my blog... ahem... FUCK OFF YOU STUPID COW!

Believe it or not, I do actually feel a little better!

Photobox

Yes I know I've only just blogged and really, I should get a life but I want to give a plug for a new website I've found. I take most of my photos on digital now - all very well and good, but I'm building up an impressive CD-Rom collection of photos that frankly, don't do anything other than sit on my desk.
Whereas I will look through albums of old photos, and of course, appreciate the ones we have in frames, rarely (if ever) do I put on the computer, choose a disc and browse through all my digi photos. Anyway, I've discovered photobox.co.uk. They gave me 60 free credits as a new customer (this offer varies between 30 and 60) and because I've ordered recently, they gave me another 500mb free storage. So it's like having an online photo album which some of you have already - flicker, yahoo etc. But I ordered 20 photos on Friday and they arrived Saturday morning and all for £1.50 postage. The photos are really good quality and I'm delighted. I still had 40 free credits (one photo = one credit) and promptly ordered 20 more. I've already framed four and it was lovely to see photos I'd virtually forgotten about...

Mudlark

Trying to blog when the dog is trying to climb into my lap is not easy... anyway, I was hoping to have a longer lie-in but after laying in bed for almost an hour I figured it would just be easier to get up and start my day.
My partner and I are going walking next weekend and staying in a friend's cottage. I went into town and got some new walking boots yesterday - very exciting. And I gave in and ordered some gaitors online. Now this isn't some weird sock contraption, rather you put them on the bottom of your trousers. It means if the weather is filthy and there's lots of mud, you don't ruin your trousers. (I've ruined almost half a dozen trousers this way - walking mud even when washed off leaves a tide mark!!) But gaitors are normally made off weather resistant, rip proof material so you can wipe off any mud, and when you take them off, you're trousers are clean! (In theory!)
I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to a weekend with my partner and the dog, walking, eating and drinking good wine. Admittedly the last two may negate any good effects from yomping all over Wiltshire!

(Mum still improving!)

Ford Escorts and chalk: the path to happiness

Well, mum is home and settled. Still weak, still on morphine for the headaches but a 100 times better than she was. Even I feel better!
Actually, I feel quite chipper. Yesterday when S popped over for coffee, she bought the car that I am buying and we went for a spin. We also decided on an actual date to buy it, and last night I got several insurance quotes. So it seems we’re full steam ahead! The car runs very well and the interior matches the exterior in that it’s been well cared for. Finally after what have been three or four very shitty weeks, I have something to look forward to and get excited over. Too excited perhaps – I’ve come in to work and I haven’t stop talking about the car and when I’m buying it!
S and I were talking about bank holiday plans of which mine are… do bugger all! Saturday I’m going to my mum’s, Sunday I plan to watch TV and / or sleep for most of the day, Monday I’m taking the dog up to Crystal Palace in the morning and then my partner is back in the afternoon. The only problem with taking the dog up the Palace is that the paths are surfaced with crushed white chalk. There is something about this crushed white chalk that Pluto likes very much and he rolls around in it for minutes at a time, sometimes several times on one stretch of path. When he’s finally had enough (and we suspect he’s never really had enough) he stands up and looks at us, grins and shakes himself vigorously which has the effect not of ridding his coat of the chalk but making it settle deeper. With his black glossy fur streaked with stark white chalk it’s like looking at a ghost dog! Anyway, it’s a bugger to get out and he looks a complete mess but it makes him very happy and that’s the main thing. Maybe we should all find our equivalent of rolling in chalk…

Home

My mum is coming home! Her recovery has been extraordinary. From hypothermia, dehydration and chronic pain and nausea to sitting up in bed and yesterday, eating a meal! (When she ate something on Tuesday, it was the first time she has eaten since Friday morning.)
She's still very weak and will need to rest, but being in her own home will make that rest more meaningful. We bought her some flowers on Tuesday and she received a stunning orchid plant from her friends on Wednesday. I briefly flirted with the idea of getting ill myself if the quality of flowers you receive is anything to go by.
I've been trying to look after myself so I can look after her. I can't seem to shake this tiredness though (which I'm sure has everything to do with sadness and worry) and I haven't been eating all that well. Although I have been eating healthy lunches which I'm sure makes a difference. I have a weakness (well, many, but this one I'm prepared to admit) I LOVE the series Doc Martin starring Martin Clunes about a doctor in Cornwall. I recently ordered the second series on DVD and have been coming home, walking the dog and then watching that. So my evenings have been enjoyable and very gentle.
My partner is having a great time in Wales - gorgeous countryside and lot's of walking. We're missing each other but we've been sharing lot's of texts and talking in the evening. And I'm pretty sure I'm going to get a little present when she gets back so it's not all bad, lol!
One of the boy's popped in from upstairs this morning. They had just been to Brussels and bought us some lovely chocolates and a very funny fridge magnet featuring a dog and some beer... two of my favourite things!
Right, I have a friend coming over and we're going to walk the dogs together so I need to get a move on. After which, off to the hospital to pick mum up and tonight, yes, you guessed it, I'm watching the last episode of series 2 :0)

Admitted

I know some of you have been reading this and keeping up to date with things, the latest news is that my mum was admitted into hospital yesterday morning. Since the lumber punch she had developed another headache (very common after LP's) and felt nauseous again. However, bearing in mind that severe headaches were the reason she had had two brain scans, we thought it was a continuance of what she was already suffering with...
We decided we would go down to Lewes on Saturday to see our friend and watch the outdoor play at the castle. And despite what happened next, I'm glad we did. It was wonderful to see him and the play was very good with laugh out loud moments. There is something quite glorious to be sat in the grounds of an impressive castle, eating nice food, drinking wine and as the light fails, watching moths and bats dance about overhead. Almost as good as the play itself!
My phone rang at exactly ten o'clock the next morning. It was my partner's brother who was dog-sitting. Call your mother, it's urgent...
She was in a terrible way. She hadn't eaten and not even drunk much since Friday. The pain in her head was excrutiating and she kept being sick. The hospital wanted her to come in ASAP and as I was so far away, her neighbour drove her to the hospital. She was so desperately ill she needed to be taken in an ambulance BUT the doctors at Guy's (or any hospital) cannot order ambulances to be sent out - different department you see! And if mum's neighbour ordered one, they would take her to Lewisham A&E even though it had been explained to them several times, they were waiting for her at Guy's! So in the end, she got driven there by a friend.
After the shock and the tears, my partner and I got ready in record time. We caught a taxi over to neighbouring Brighton where not only were the trains much more frequent, but they also went directly into London Bridge (where Guy's is located). We made it, the taxi driver rushed us to the station and we got the train with less than a minute to spare.
She was in a terrible way when we finally got there. They had given her several shots of morphine and massive amounts of anti-sickness treatment. She was also on a drip to try and replace some of the fluids she had lost. They had wrapped her in a foil blanket because she was hypothermic. By the time I left the hospital seven hours later, she was beginning to improve in tiny amounts. She was being attended to almost constantly by lovely nurses and doctors and she is in the best place possible to get better very quickly. And she will, get better I mean. But for now she is very weak and will need some time in hospital to get strong again. I've taken today off to spend the whole day with her.
My partner has gone away for the week with her own mum on a walking holiday. She wanted to cancel the trip but I was curiously determined she should go. After all, it's a stressful time for her as well right now and this trip has been planned for a while. She left this morning and I miss her already (the dog's fed up too!) but I'm so glad she's gone in a way. I just want her to feel fit and refreshed and I do think that's exactly how she will come back to us.

First test

Well it's been a rough couple of days. Yesterday we saw mum's consultant at Guy's. It was the first time I got to speak to one of the team about what these brain changes actually meant. To hear the words "the cancer may have spread to the lining of the brain" was particularly chilling. That said, I'm one of those people that feel much more in control when I'm kept informed so I actually felt better after the meeting. Today, we've been at the hospital most of the day because they rushed mum in for a lumber punch (removing fluid from the base of the spine to check for cancerous cells - it can be painful and you have to lay flat on your back for hours afterwards). If this test comes back negative, she has to have two more lumber punch's over a 16 week cycle. If all are negative, she gets the all-clear. If not, they start radiotherapy to the brain imediately.
Is it just me or could you eat your own body weight in crap in hospitals? If you're not bored, you're anxious and you'll do anything to pass the time. I ate a cheese crossaint, an apple danish and a bar of chocolate. We were only there from 9:45 to 2:30!
Anyway, we find out the results of the first LP next Thursday.

I bought the dog some tennis balls (one of his favourite toys) and he's already eaten two. This is why the little bugger gets ill! Still at least he's bounced back from that nasty bug. He's back on his own food (although I suspect he rather enjoyed being made fresh rice and eggs for dinner!) and we're walking back over the park again.

Last night we went for dinner with some old friends. It was nice, not just to see them (they are fantastic company), but because I felt like everyone else and for a little while could switch off and just enjoy myself.

Tomorrow we're off to Lewes where a friend of ours lives. Every year the town puts on an outdoor play at the castle. This year it's Tom Jones. My partner's brother is staying for the weekend to look after the dog and there were no complications today so we're getting a train down tomorrow afternoon. I'm really looking forward to it.

Anyway, I think I need a nap... I'm knackered!

All change...

This is what I wrote yesterday:

My hairy sunbeam is unwell! Pluto had had a slightly dodgy tummy all of last week, so I reduced his food. But on Sunday he had bad diarrhoea and I noticed he had passed some blood. When we got back home I removed all his food and made the decision to starve him for 24 hours. He was listless but didn’t appear too unwell. That night however, I took him for a walk and he stood outside the front door refusing to move. We went back inside and I spent a worried night keeping an eye on him. The following morning, he seemed brighter and so went for a walk. We reached the corner and he went to toilet – it was all blood. We went straight home and I called the vet and they said to bring him in straight away.
He has some sort of bug, possibly e-coli, but the vet was calm and reassured me it was actually quite common in dogs at this time of the year. Some vets referred to it as the summer tummy bug. He gave Pluto two injections and took his temperature. It was quite high which explained why he didn’t want to do too much walking. We came away with antibiotics, rehydration salts and probiotics to replace the good bacteria. I worked from home yesterday so I could keep a close eye on him. He vomited twice during the day but because the vet had taken time to explain that this might happen, I kept the hysteria to a minimum. He was a lot bouncier on his walk this morning and the whole rear end thing seems to be getting better. He’s drinking lots thankfully, and this morning after being starved for 48 hours, he managed half of the boiled rice I cooked for him.
At one stage yesterday he climbed into my lap and whimpered and I promised him I would try and make him better. Fingers crossed he seems on the mend and I’ve kept my promise…

Last Friday was the Respect party at Too 2 Much – fab club! It was generally a very good night and we raised over £600 which was a nice little bonus. Rose gave a top performance as did all her guests. Toward the end of the evening, someone out of the blue asked me whether I was still cross at the boys upstairs for trying to hijack our summer party. (They weren't the first person to have asked me this and a couple of people moaned on the night of the party that the boys were trying to take over.) I was pissed so I was honest; yes I was annoyed at the time but I've moved on. And I have moved on. I can be v. petty at times, but you just have to let go sometime! Besides we're very fond of the boys. At the end of the day, my partner and I threw one hell of a party and everyone had a great time. And, I think 99.9% people were there for us. I guess that's really the end of the story...

Tonight is the ‘meet the players’ shindig at a pub in Soho. I’m feeling that I’d much rather be at home because I’m buggered to a standstill; work and worrying about the dog has taken it out of me! But the event deserves our support. The two players who are leading on it have done a lot of work.

I was just saving the above to load it up on my blog when I received a phone call from my mum. She's had a second brain scan (the first showed nothing). They've found shadows on the MRI scan that may mean the cancer has spread. She's being rushed in for a lumber punch and we see the consultant tomorrow to discuss when that might be. Yesterday I was worried about the dog and trying to get all my work done, oh and moaning that I was a bit tired and would prefer to be at home. Last night all that changed. Again. That's the ugly thing about cancer. It is just so exhausting. (I can only speak as someone caring for someone with cancer. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like having this fucking disease.)

You take little victories and magnify them, lauding the indomitability of the human spirit as it battles against the indignities of this disease, and then you hold your breath with each suggestion that there might be another problem, that something isn't right. 'Please come in and see us straight away, we've found something else...' Is it too late to start praying? What if I pretend it isn't happening? It's like the worst kind of roller coaster ride imaginable.

I've never liked roller coasters.

The three steps forward that you just took? It turned out you were facing the wrong way and you're back where you started, or worse, way back down the board...

Keep everything crossed for us and do me a favour, do something nice for yourself and someone you love today. What the hell, it can’t hurt, right?

Pride and the common cold

Brighton Pride seems to have left everyone buggered (insert your own jokes…) the boys upstairs are knackered and two friends are also now needing a long lay-down. A couple of people said it actually wasn’t that good; expensive, less choice in the park and of course, the perennial problem – hotels and B&B’s putting up their prices. To be honest, you can’t really complain about the last one: just be more organised and book in advance next time! But as I wasn’t there I can’t comment. I thoroughly enjoyed myself last year when my partner and I went, but we were also staying in a lovely hotel with a room overlooking the sea. Very romantic and surprisingly restful for a Pride weekend.
So we have had a complete break from Pride’s this year not having been to a single one. Which I think on reflection is a good thing. They are all the same now; it’s like organisers buy a kit version off the shelf and then take it back to whichever town or city is hosting the next one. I would like to go to Pride Scotia or Cardiff Pride next year. That could be fun…

The book is finished! I even printed out a draft yesterday and my partner thinks it’s fantastic! Let’s just hope her goddaughter thinks the same…

On a completely different subject, I think there is a correlation – not that I would ever be able to prove it – between my getting ill all the time and my mum’s cancer. My immune system is completely shattered and once again, just after getting over a chest infection, I’ve picked up a cold. It seems faintly ridiculous because I've always had such an amazing ability to shrug things off and not so long ago I could be sat in a room full of coughing, spluttering flu victims and wouldn’t catch a damn thing. Now if there is bug passing within a ten mile radius I wave and tell it to jump right in because the water’s lovely…
My mum’s treatment isn’t going well and it’s putting enormous pressure on me as her only family. Consequently stress is lowering my immunity and I keep getting all sorts of weird and wonderful illnesses. Which guess what? Is making me very stressed and so I get ill and then I get stressed and then…
I would actually be really interested in doing some research into the health and wellbeing of carers through my work. Everyone is always saying sickness levels need to be cut, but people know very little about why people get sick in the first instance. Increasingly family members are being relied on to care for immediate and extended family and I think this is having a massive impact on the carers own health. However, being a determined and frankly resourceful sausage I am trying to help myself; I’m taking supplements, improving my diet, and I’m taking up a new hobby (not telling you what, you’ll only laugh, but hobbies are fantastic stress busters!) My partner and I are also going away for the weekend in September to do some walking in the country with the dog…
My exercise levels are good, I walk the dog for over an hour each day and then do another 40 mins walking on top of that, but I’m looking to do more sport as well.
Right now though I need to concentrate on what I get paid for, it’s not great for stress but it does pay for all these hobbies and vitamins!!

Early morning bee shenanigans

I was woken by a bee at 6:43... sounds like the first line of a Phillip Larkin poem but it's not. This morning I was roused from slumber by the extraordinarily loud and furious buzzings of a bee trapped in our bedroom blind. It was deafening. Not compared to say a pneumatic drill, I'm pretty sure that would have been louder. But as I sleepily reached for my glasses I was quite convinced there was an entire hive in the bedroom but then I saw that it was just one, very fat, very angry bee. I had to put ear plugs in. Some of you may have worn ear plugs last night because of your partner's snoring, or noisy neighbours, or traffic but I doubt very few of you have ever had to resort to ear plugs because of one bee.
Other things have happened in the last few days, exciting things, but I fear I may have peaked at the bee story... I'm off to clean the bathroom now...

They are out to get you...

I spoke to S again yesterday – we met unexpectedly on the train coming back from Victoria - and we were both really excited about the car. She had only made the decision to sell it on the weekend and then who does she bump into on the Monday looking specifically for an automatic… spooky!
I popped along to the clubhouse on Monday and had a couple of pints. I was about to go to bed when my neighbour knocked on the door. So consequently I didn’t get the early night I needed but it was nice to see some of the boys.
Spoke to my mum again last night who is having some bad side effects from the Herceptin; vomiting, severe headaches etc. Since her diagnosis very occasionally she says odd things that sound, well, to be honest, a bit paranoid. This time she declared that there is a particular doctor she doesn’t want to see again. This is strange, because this is the same doctor we saw together the other week. They thought the cancer had spread to my mum’s brain, but it was this doctor that told her it hadn’t and that the brain scan was clear. Apparently my mum thinks she looks too young, and that she doesn’t inspire confidence, and then she questioned why she had had to see her and not one of the other doctors in the first place. I’m not sure what to make of it really. My mum can be a difficult woman to communicate with at times, but she’s in her prime and is a very intelligent and generally sensible woman. But like I said, occasionally, since her treatment began, she will say stuff that is a bit out there and paranoid. I guess you can’t go through something as invasive and as traumatic as this without it changing you in some way…
Our new bistro set arrived yesterday and the weather is now on the turn! It’s still muggy but the mornings are becoming decidedly cool and the sky has looked very unsettled for several days now. Maybe we should just keep the furniture in the box till next summer?!
Look’s like we might miss Brighton Pride… we are in the fortunate position of having somewhere to stay (two places actually!) but nowhere for the dog to go. Even going down for the day would mean he was on his own for too long. The joys of responsible dog ownership eh!
I found a gorgeous photographic book on South Africa in a charity shop yesterday. It made me nostalgic as I looked through the stunning pictures remembering the places we had lived and visited... one day I’ll go back for a visit. It would be great to take my partner and share another adventure with her… but in the meantime the only adventure I face at the moment is my commute home!